Qwertyanity – A New Old Religion

Introduction

Externally, religion is a worldview defined by several specific traits, without which (even without one of them) it disappears or degenerates into shamanism, occultism, Satanism, etc. All these pseudo-religious doctrines containing some certain elements of religion are the consequence of religious degradation. Therefore, inventing a new religion concerns six important attributes.

1. The first and foremost attribute of religion is the confession of personal spiritual beginning – God – the source of life of all creatures, including man. In monotheistic religions, God is a really existing ideal, the ultimate goal of spiritual aspirations of a man.
2. Acknowledgment of God in any religion is always connected with the belief in spirits, good and bad, with whom – under certain conditions – man can start a dialogue. Sometimes in the pagan religions the belief in spirits dominates when compared with the belief in God.
3. The most important element of religion is the belief that any man is capable of spiritual union with God by means of faith. Faith is not just a belief in the existence of God, but a special character of life of the believer, corresponding to doctrines and precepts of the religion.
4. The doctrine that the man is fundamentally different from all other creatures. The man is not merely a biological creature, but, above all, a spiritual being. Therefore, all religions contain more or less developed teachings of the afterlife.
5. Adoption of the priority of the spiritual and moral values in comparison with the material ones. The weaker this principle in religion, the lower and immoral it becomes.
6. The cult as a code of ritual rules and regulations, ordinances, and actions specific to each religion.

Each of these characteristics is required for a religion, but at the same time they are not uniformly present in each of them. Therefore, each religion has its own religious level. It is good to have a world religion, which has a weighty number of followers around the world and at the same time is not associated with any national or state community. Influence on the course of history is also important. It is hard for a new religion to explain its influence on the past, but it can be solved by inventing facts. For example, the assertion that Hitler was an adherent of this religion might help, since it is not known for sure what his religion was. Of course, it is better to choose good personalities for it, but it seems all the good ones have already been taken by other religions.

The above-mentioned features constitute a necessary form of religion, which contains the actual content. Religion attracts people who are looking for it not just by theoretical answers to the question about the meaning of life, but by discovering God and a spiritual world. Basing on the above-mentioned attributes anyone can invent a religion, consistent enough to have a lot of believers. These six attributes define the structure of this paper.

The Basics of New Religion

Qwertyanity is one of the oldest religions on Earth. It was brought here from the planet TX096384 in the galaxy ER942 by the Prophet Qwerty, who is eternal and immortal, hallowed be His name. He travels all over the Universe bringing light to dark planets. He has visited Earth in the turning points of its development. His last visit to Earth took place in the 7^th century when He traveled to the Arabian Peninsula. Due to the illiteracy of local population, His name was mistakenly transliterated into Allah. The same happened earlier, in the 1^st century in Rome, in the 6^th century BC (or BQ, in terms of this religion) in India and about 6 thousand years ago in Egypt (Osiris was one of His first incarnations). Now Qwerty-hallowed is His name is on the other side of the galaxy but is going to return here on December 21 to bring the second part of the Mayan calendar. On His first visit to Maya (there He was known as Itzamna), He did not finish carving a calendar for them and promised to come back later. Qwerty is not the Almighty, but merely the carrier of His will. At this time, the present time on this earth, the time of great change, the Almighty called His old prophet, the teaching prophet, in order to lead the humanity closer to the spirit of truth, so that people might know God within them. As it was proclaimed in one of old sacred books,

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

This book is commonly referred to as the Bible. Though Qwerty does not completely approve of this book-especially its first part, due to its cruelty-He admits that it contains some truth that he was preaching about two thousand years ago.

The Essence of God

Under the doctrine of Qwertyanity, God is the original entity, the predecessor of the world, omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient, the creator of all tangible and intangible, including all living beings and the world (universe). God is the source of life.

Having created the world, God created the first Amoeba, which, in the course of evolution, has turned into the human race. God is the root and cause of all movement of the world, which, as a perfect mechanism, is moving independently according to the prescribed laws.

According to Qwertyan doctrine, the universe, created by God, was given over to all living creatures in it (though this postulate is denied by silicon life forms from Taurus IV) who possess the freedom of choice (free will). But the man (or whoever from other planets) is tempted by evil Yuiop to make a choice against God. As a result man (or whoever from other planets) is separated from God. According to Qwertyan faith, there is no sin, but there is Yuiop, who is responsible for numerous human sufferings, such as disease, famine, war, violence, ageing, and, eventually, death (and reincarnation or hell in the afterlife).

God reveals himself to a believer in the stories about Qwerty, through communication with Qwerty and mystical experience, and through inner work and spiritual union with Him. In addition, God is knowable in His creations. In Qwertyanity God remains a mysterious and incomprehensible creature. However, Qwerty – hallowed be His name – has given a precise definition of God: “God is love”. Other definitions also include “God is a hotdog” and “Oh, my God!”, but Qwertyan theologians unanimously declare it an Apocrypha.

The Spirits

In the process of creating the Universe God spilled some coffee at the Heavenly Keyboard and thus He accidentally created Qwerty’s evil counterpart – Yuiop. In Qwertyanity Yuiop is a free personality and an ethereal creature, fallen away from God by his own will. Some philosophers try to wrongly interpret the word of God, saying that Yuiop is just a figurative concept meaning people’s sins, vices, passions, impure desires. But this is completely wrong. Qwerty – hallowed be His name – clearly depicted him as “wicked”, “demon”, “murderer”, and so on. Therefore, the one who replaces the personal name of Yuiop by an impersonal word “evil” denies the real existence of evil spirit, and this person cannot be a true Qwertyan, the follower of Qwerty the Teacher, who incarnated to destroy the Yuiop’s affairs. True Qwertyans know that there is no sin, and people are not to blame for anything. The latter statement will be included in the criminal law as soon as one of the true believers comes to power.

Faith

In Qwertyanity there is no need to give one’s life to God. Saying “I believe in God and Qwerty is his prophet” twice a day will be enough to go to Heaven or reincarnate in the body of a millionaire (several options are available).

Man

The concept of the man in Qwertyanity is complex. For example, a common eight-handed octopus from the planet Flyigon II will not agree to an assumption that homo sapience is more a Qwertyan than a cephalopod. Therefore, it is defined by an IQ test. Ten years ago two dogs from Alaska were baptized in Qwertyan faith because their intellect appeared to be higher than the intellect of their owner. Hence, reason is recognized the main attribute of spiritual wealth.

Moral Values

There are not any. Despite the fact that Qwerty – hallowed be His name – has brought tons of commandments during his visits to Earth, there are no moral restraints, because every sin is merely Yuiop’s evil deed. Qwerty – hallowed be His name – understood, of course, the problems of such teaching, and for this purpose He left the main commandment: “You don’t defecate where you live, right?” (In modern versions of the teaching the word “defecate” is used in its colloquial form).

The Cult

Most people believe, that the letters “qwerty” on their keyboards are organized in such a way accidentally. It is not true. The American inventor Christopher Latham Sholes, who created a typewriter, as well as ancient believers from the IBM Company, arranged the keys in this manner to type the name of the Prophet as quickly as possible. At that time it was believed that the Prophet’s name itself had magic properties. Now the believers use this gesture to pray His name twice a day with the only movement of their finger from left to right. Steve Jobs, a devoted Qwertyan, applied this gesture to his iPhone, and now millions of people all over the world pray Qwerty, without even knowing about it.

Prayer, as a matter of fact, is not very important in Qwertyanity. No one has seen Qwerty praying. However, He mentioned the interior prayer: “He, who does not have a smart interior prayer, has no prayer, because only a smart prayer is the real prayer, pleasant to God. It must constitute your soul, and if you do not have a soul (the soul is optional is Qwertyanity) you may not have a prayer. Or you may, which does not matter.” Such indifference of the Prophet to this important issue is caused by the necessity to preach at different planets. Some creatures there cannot pray, because they have no speech center in their brains. For the same reason (difference in anatomy), there are no definite prescribed rituals in Qwertyanity. A sacred gesture of an arthropod from the planet Pluk will breakneck in a human being.

Conclusion

This religion, though it looks ridiculous at some moments, can really become a world religion. Scientology, in fact, has become one. Qwertyanity includes all necessary components of a religion – god, prophet, faith, the concepts of man, evil, and cult, etc. It can invent its own history to prove its existence and provide “ancient” chronicles, or insert modern text into real historical documents (like Christianity did). It has an attractive philosophy of the absence of sin and pleasant afterlife or reincarnation. Any prophet of any other religion can be called a reincarnation of Qwerty. The only drawback is the absence of sacred texts, but with due creativity they can be created. The only condition for such texts is ambiguity, since if a text can be interpreted differently, it can be used to justify anything (e.g. the Pope of Rome justifying the first crusade). That is why Qwertyanity is no less a religion than any other religions, which are all products of human consciousness.